these hos are after the cheddar, baby
"the following is just a very small sample of what some of the hos up in congress are raking in, and who's payin'."
shelldraked at 9:46 pm
a tiny village where signs keep disappearing
"tourists are causing a lot of anxiety and are costing the tiny village money."
shelldraked at 9:36 pm
goats get it together
they need to get sally struthers as spokeswoman.
quonsar at 8:17 pm
a face transformation tool
"facegenerator enables realistic looking manipulation of facial features. (works only in IE4+)"
quonsar at 2:07 am
click to remove items of clothing
when you're done stripping the models, undress the candidates.
shelldraked at 12:47 am
beaver county militia
a kinder, gentler militia
crucial information on the election conspiracy and the dangerous united nations/new world order/amish alliance.
quonsar at 5:56 pm
horton hires a whore and other classics
"horton stepped out, blinking into the sun
and he looked all around for a place to have fun.
not just any two bit floozy would do;
horton had very strict rules who he'd do!"
shelldraked at 5:54 pm
american sperm is squiggling into europe, asia & the middle east at record levels
"while bob dole has taken to the airways to talk about erectile dysfunction, and hollywood stars are pumping up with steroids, it's nice to know this country can still produce in one area where it counts. And in great quantities."
quonsar at 11:38 am
instantaneously generated pickup lines
"holy shit, sweetheart, you must be jamaican, because jamaican my scabs sweat."
quonsar at 12:00 am
why does this search return this site?
mysteries of the web #77259
quonsar at 8:52 pm
day without weblogs leads to explosion of aids awareness
after a blog-less day, researchers said the resulting rise in aids-awareness was astonishing. "certainly, it's worth applying for a grant for funding to study the correlation! why, imagine a world fully informed about aids, and blog-free to boot!" a researcher enthused.
blogged by quonsar at 8:10 pm
it's a wallet, not a gun
"if you would like to help police officers around the country keep themselves from shooting, hell, almost everyone, you can help by giving them this handy card. it eases the occasional difficulty in determining between wallet and gun."
quonsar at 6:58 pm
regulations cover everything from seditious literature to used bedding
fedexed by shelldrake at 6:36 pm
an important message from the supreme ertus of the egregoth
"take between one and four feet of a tender young elephant and place them to stand in luke-warm water for at least four hours..."
invoked by quonsar at 6:32 pm
people thought it was an urban legend
"it was a big whale. it was a smelly whale. most importantly, it was a dead whale."
shelldraked at 5:51 pm
a one-party system with two factions
i don't know 'rage against the machine' from adam. i never heard of morello. but from my persepctive, the man speaks the truth: "the fact that both of the major parties are in a large measure owned, controlled, and leashed by corporations is a bigger problem, and the fact there is such agreement on issues such as NAFTA, the WTO, the IMF, the death penalty. it seems to me we live in basically a one-party system with two factions; that, combined with the fact that more than 50 percent of eligible voters still stay away from polls, means that no matter which of the pro-big business candidates is eventually anointed, 75 percent of americans don't want them. so I think that there are more fundamental sort of crises in american democracy that need to be examined beyond the minutiae of pregnant-chad legalities."
posted by quonsar at 5:15 pm
and associated beings
"composed of millions of starships and personnel from many civilizations, we are here to assist earth and humanity through the current cycle of planetary cleansing and polar realignment."
isn't it nice to know someone cares? and hey, speaking of personnel from distant civilizations...
posted by quonsar at 8:05 pm
coming to a universe near you
a band of intense photon energy. on a collision course with earth. of course.
posted by quonsar at 7:57 pm
an incredibly tasteless bit of humor
co-starring david hasselhoff.
posted by quonsar at 7:37 pm
the angelic conspiracy & end times deception
"the mating of human beings with angels resulted in hybrid creatures, evil spirits with human bodies."
posted by quonsar at 7:19 pm
desperate people plus our cash
drink (milk) till ya puke. go bobbing for (maggot covered) apples. enjoy!
dared by shelldrake at 6:58 pm
testicular implant procedure for pets
now being neutered doesn't have to mean nothing to lick. via metafilter.
posted by quonsar at 6:48 pm
harassed by helicopters
blackhawks and hueys and cobras, oh my!
"a good friend of mine is being harassed by black, unmarked helocopters [sic]"
guy just needs a bit of help from this guy and this guy. sounds like a party, eh? say hi for me.
strafed by quonsar at 8:03 pm
here's the evidence, you decide
"i have nothing in particular against the man, i just think he kind of looks like a chimpanzee."
posted by quonsar at 7:45 pm
air force lies to america
can you say w-a-c-k-o?
posted by quonsar at 7:37 pm
terrified mother misinterprets accidental call
"two accidental phone calls woke the woman in the small hours of the morning. hearing moaning, groaning and shouting, she dismissed the first as an obscene call, but in the second she recognised her daughter crying: 'Oh my God', and heard a man's voice.
direct-dialed by shelldrake at 7:29 pm
admitted to speeding toll booths
"automatic cameras captured 705 photos of a late-model honda, bearing a "JST CRZY" virginia vanity plate, running through toll booths from August 1999 to June of this year."
toll free by shelldrake at 7:24 pm
400 years of deception exposed!
"the bible told the truth all along."
can you say c-o-p-e-r-n-i-c-u-s?
posted by quonsar at 7:20 pm
adopt a hot sex bot
she gradually reveals her "most intimate secrets."
"you have the happiness of a secret woman, a hidden relationship, with none of the fear that your wife will find out and be angry."
posted by quonsar at 10:38 pm
"i have come again to help you"
that's the good news. the bad news: he flys, does yoga on talk tv, and sells pamphlets on the web.
posted by quonsar at 10:12 pm
incredible density by, of, and for the incredibly dense
"everything in this article represents a struggle against immense odds. we ask readers to understand this and hope that those who are not under electronic attack and surveillance will try through independent channels to find better quality proof."
posted by quonsar at 9:41 pm
feeling the call?
"the ulc is non-denominational & will ordain anyone for the asking."
posted by quonsar at 7:50 pm
mr. quonsar, please report to treatment room twelve
posted by poor, unhealthy shelldrake at 7:43 pm
how to tell you've been really bad
giving your friend's email addresses to a form like this will put you on santa's shitlist.
leave that reindeer alone, shelldrake at 7:39 pm
step through the green door and find your power animal
"this therapy has gone horribly wrong. i'm prescribing tranquilizers."
posted by quonsar at 7:35 pm
judge orders major internet sex change
sex.com returned to owner
"I'm like, a little guy, so I feel pretty good about it."
posted by quonsar at 9:27 pm
feel the magic!
"have you had it with being behind in the times? do you still feel like you're stuck in the nineties? do you want access to news, information, porn, and websites dedicated to kramer the magical donkey?"
posted by quonsar at 7:03 pm