brazilian rapist cuts off own penis
flushes offending member down toilet
"This morning, the unrepentant Cruz said his action was inspired by a biblical passage that says if a part of the body keeps one from God and makes one commit sins, it must be cast away."
quonsar at 10:02 pm
turn sound up. maximize browser. sit back and watch.
webfolk make the damndest things.
quonsar at 7:34 pm
the teachings of l. ron hoover
"Stunned by JOE's command of it's native tongue, a gleaming model XQJ-37 nuclear powered Pan-Sexual Roto-Plooker named SY BORG spindles over to JOE and says... 'Pick me...I'm clean... I am also programmed for conversational English.'"
quonsar at 2:56 pm
In case of malfunction or tampering, information is transmitted and a squad of technicians are dispatched to the client-toilet.
"The 'Abuse Occupation' sub-routine commences at 18 minutes with a verbal warning to vacate within 2 minutes. If the patron refuses to vacate, alarm sequences and mechanical counter-measures are implemented at the 20 minute mark, and are as follows: A rotating beacon deploys from the overhead and begins flashing a bright red light. A high-pitched audible alarm is activated, followed by the door automatically opening. Attempts to force the door back to the closed position will be unsuccessful. The on-board toilet-computer relays the abuse-occupancy status to the master-computer where personnel will make the determination whether to deploy field technicians or TSF (Toilet Security Forces)."
quonsar at 2:19 pm
4 years of bush bashing
i can feel the blort a-coming
our multi-faced future commander in chief: he sucks, he swallows, he thumbs, he snorts, sponsors beer, impersonates a primate, and books zz top.
quonsar at 9:41 pm
how is it that your cadillac isn't still haunting the navy?
"This is my terrain. I can engulf the ozone with my left foot in three days."
quonsar at 6:30 pm
die, deception, die!
"I am called galumpher. I succumbed to the pule of Yog-Sothoth on 10/23/97 21:07:59, but have an empty cavity where some important organ should be. There is nothing here for you."
quonsar at 5:58 pm
no more filthy toilet seats
no more getting poison ivy on your bum.
quonsar at 5:46 pm
detailed MRC (maintenance requirement card)
"g. Dislodge feces. (1) While still maintaining buttocks over toilet, carefully jiggle posterior region of body until feces dislodges. If feces dislodges successfully, go to step 1.h.; if not, proceed to step 1.g.(2)."
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dislodged by quonsar at 12:08 pm
welcome to the height of the sunspot cycle
"In the last two weeks of November alone protests and riots occurred in Manila, Agentina, Seoul, Cincinatti, Spain, Miami, Palestine, France and French Guina, among others...just a few of the thousands to occur during the height of sunspot cycle #23."
quonsar at 9:54 pm
mantis shrimp destructive, uncatchable
"Hermit crabs, snails and barnacles are disappearing daily by the handful. Two small fire fish also disappeared recently."
quonsar at 9:43 pm
staying young and healthy
"CryoTransport is the process of placing a person into cryostasis after a terminal illness or a fatal accident, in the hope that medical science will be able to resuscitate that person in the future, when life extension and anti-aging have become a reality."
quonsar at 7:16 pm
made with the patented "poop pouch"
"When the bird goes his poop falls into the pouch at the end of the FlightSuit leaving his vent clear and keeping the poop away from his body."
quonsar at 7:10 pm
the international trepanation advocacy group
"Trepanation is the oldest surgical procedure practiced by mankind. The earliest evidence of trepanation dates back 10,000 years. At no time had evidence been found that brain surgery was the intention of this procedure."
excavated by quonsar at 7:07 pm
charles atlas dot com
"the world's most perfectly developed man"
that depends on how one defines 'developed'. i mean, his web site looks like a cheesy comic book ad.
quonsar at 10:26 pm
a conceptual offering of philosophic technoshamanism
quonsar at 10:21 pm
the standardized test
"Are you ready to quit your job, abandon all personal ties and live as a drifter on the outskirts of the Shatner ranch? Maybe."
quonsar at 8:46 pm
scientifically engineered and university tested
"The EROSCILLATOR : Radically Superior to any Vibrator! IT DOES NOT POUND LIKE ORDINARY VIBRATORS, IT SENSUALLY OSCILLATES !"
erosillated by quonsar at 8:33 pm
your no. 1 internet source for buying living human children
"Have you ever tried to adopt a child? It’s not easy. There’s a lot of paperwork, you have to deal with numerous people - many of them dirty or carrying bad odors - and of course, you have to prove to a social worker (who is usually of a low social class) that you are a fit parent."
quonsar at 6:50 pm
officers take large yam into protective custody
quonsar at 6:48 pm
the plaintiff is barking mad
"Former President Jimmy Carter was the secret head of the Ku Klux Klan; Bill Clinton is the biological son of Jimmy Carter; President Clinton and Ross Perot have made fortunes in the death-hunting industry, and are responsible for the murder of at least 10 million black women in concentration camps, their bodies sold for meat and their skin turned into leather products. The defendants are also responsible for breeding farms, which turn out 2,000 black girls a year, who are then sold for recreational murder or as human pets. Additionally, the defendants utilize weather control and earthquake technology to threaten other countries that object to the Iron Mountain Plan."
quonsar at 8:25 pm
fetuses need application of considerable propelling force
quonsar at 8:12 pm